New Year, New You!

My resolutions are:

1. Continue to expand my vocabulary. I will make flashcards of words I don't know and review them each night before bed for maximum absorption.

2. Lose 10 pounds/Establish a strict but practical pilates routine. I have found and will stick to a four-week detox plan through January. Week One: Fruits and veggies only. Hopefully I will poop out all the nasties and come out lean and clean. Also, I will take 30 minutes a day for yoga and stretches and meditative breathing.

I'm pretty sure Bridget Jones made these exact same resolutions.

And now! The moment you've all been waiting for!

Final Ohio Fast Food Count:

Bob Evans (twice)

Cracker Barrel (once, B was NOT impressed)

Wendy's (multiple times)

Arby's (twice, one was inside a truck stop open on Xmas day. A Christmas Blessing!)

Red Lobster (for bro's B-day. Delicious, highest concentration of black people B has ever seen in one place)

St. Louis airport BK

SADLY we did NOT make it to:

Waffle House

Steak N' Shake (like the only one B was actually interested in trying)

O'Charley's

which are all good restaurants and deserve our patronage and attention. However, 10 days is just not enough to sample all the regional fare. Next time.

Hope all you dirtbags have a great 2011.

Here is a list of chain restaurants I'll be taking Bryan to while we're in Ohio

Cracker Barrel

Waffle House

Steak N' Shake

Bob Evans

O'Charley's

Olive Garden/Red Lobster (an either/or situation because we can't afford both)

Possibly Max and Erma's because it is a Columbus icon, chain or not

Perkins if we go to Cleveland

He's never been to any of these and is CLEARLY deprived.

*Tentative, allow last-minute changes/additions if necessary.

Kashit Heart to Heart

This week's cereal is: Kashi's Heart to Heart Honey Toasted Cereal!!

I am skeptical of anything that is good for you, because it will most likely taste like crap. This cereal was chosen for review because my boyfriend does not like any good cereals and came home with this one from the yuppie market next door. Now, I am a very open-minded cereal consumer, but this cereal sucks.

It looks like rabbit food. It has the same grainy, healthy shade of brown. It is shaped like Cheerios but it is not Cheerios! The box shows little berries in there, breathing life into it, so this review might be better if I had some berries to throw in. But I don't believe you should have to add anything to make a cereal good. It should be enough all on its own. It's like when we were kids and my mom always bought Rice Krispies and made us eat them, so we just put a shitload of sugar on top until they were tolerable. This cereal also needs a shitload of sugar before it is tolerable.

This cereal claims to 1. help reduce cholesterol, 2. help support healthy arteries, and 3. help promote healthy blood pressure. I'm sorry, but my heart is not that fucked up. D+

This Isn't About Cereal, You Guys.

But I need to keep fresh.

I just wished this cat that used to hang around my friends' house, like, three years ago a happy birthday on facebook. "happie birthday chauncie," is what i wrote. how fucking embarrassing. Our (seven) mutual friends will see it and be like, whatthefuck it's Halloween is she really at home wishing that dead cat a happy birthday?

We don't know for sure that he's dead, we just guessed since he pretty much lived on the streets the entire time we knew him. We just gave him milk and food from time to time. We didn't let him in.

New Directions

It occurred to me recently that by most standards, this blog kinda sucks. It's not really about anything other than self-serving musings, and that is boring to people who are not me. I need a theme, a niche, probably even a gimmick if I ever want a book deal.

All the good blogs are about something. They chronicle somebody's interests, passions, or insights. I'll have a really hard time keeping to one topic, unless I keep multiple, single-topic blogs, which definitely isn't going to happen.

I know someone who wrote about staplers and got a whole bunch of free staplers, so my new direction is going to be writing about things that I like in hopes of getting that stuff for free.

First off: CEREAL! I think this is going to be a weekly thing. I am pretty passionate about cereal.

The cereal of this week is Apple Cinnamon Cheerios!

When I filtered the images by usage rights this one was the best. It has a crushed box, probably because that person was seeking refund for the Cheerios. I wouldn't have returned them because this is a primo cereal. It is tasty and good for you (though probably not in massive quantities), and it can be eaten any time. They are also on sale! Two for $5 at the Fred Meyer on Burnside. What a steal!

There are 120 calories in a single serving of ACC, and only 1.5 grams of fat!* This cereal is also a very enjoyable dry snack, and I don't just mean for children under 4. On the back there is a fun apple maze. Unfortunately, ACC does not come with any sort of surprise toy, which is always a bonus. Because of this, and because it also kinda cuts the roof of your mouth, I give Apple Cinnamon Cheerios a B-.

Stay tuned for next week's cereal review!

*Does not include milk. Serving size 3/4 cup.

Turn Misconception Into Contraception

On the side of MAX there's a girl holding a sign that says, "I'll gain a bunch of weight." Next to her there's a guy holding one that says, "She'll be an emotional roller coaster."

What misconception? Both of these things are true.

For Kerensa, Who Is Coming to Visit Today

To the honeys gettin' money playin' niggas like dummies

Is this feminism? I think it is.

'Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be havin' my baby, baby.

I don't think this is feminism, though. Biggie is oppressing women. We don't want to have his babies.

K tells me the feminists she runs with are all elitist bitches who don't watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Or Orange County, or Atlanta, and not even New York which is obviously the best one.

How do these women expect to relate to other women on any sort of "real" level if they can't understand the dominant culture? Like it or not, the housewives tell us something about who we are as a people. Understanding why we like Rock of Love (there are a million reasons) is just as important as understanding how gender is socially constructed.

So suck on this you uppity feminist bitches:

And while we're at it, you can suck on this, too:

Now THAT'S juicy delicious! Oh, hell! One more!

Those are claws. You crazy dyke bitches better not mess.