New Year, New You!

My resolutions are:

1. Continue to expand my vocabulary. I will make flashcards of words I don't know and review them each night before bed for maximum absorption.

2. Lose 10 pounds/Establish a strict but practical pilates routine. I have found and will stick to a four-week detox plan through January. Week One: Fruits and veggies only. Hopefully I will poop out all the nasties and come out lean and clean. Also, I will take 30 minutes a day for yoga and stretches and meditative breathing.

I'm pretty sure Bridget Jones made these exact same resolutions.

And now! The moment you've all been waiting for!

Final Ohio Fast Food Count:

Bob Evans (twice)

Cracker Barrel (once, B was NOT impressed)

Wendy's (multiple times)

Arby's (twice, one was inside a truck stop open on Xmas day. A Christmas Blessing!)

Red Lobster (for bro's B-day. Delicious, highest concentration of black people B has ever seen in one place)

St. Louis airport BK

SADLY we did NOT make it to:

Waffle House

Steak N' Shake (like the only one B was actually interested in trying)

O'Charley's

which are all good restaurants and deserve our patronage and attention. However, 10 days is just not enough to sample all the regional fare. Next time.

Hope all you dirtbags have a great 2011.

Here is a list of chain restaurants I'll be taking Bryan to while we're in Ohio

Cracker Barrel

Waffle House

Steak N' Shake

Bob Evans

O'Charley's

Olive Garden/Red Lobster (an either/or situation because we can't afford both)

Possibly Max and Erma's because it is a Columbus icon, chain or not

Perkins if we go to Cleveland

He's never been to any of these and is CLEARLY deprived.

*Tentative, allow last-minute changes/additions if necessary.

Kashit Heart to Heart

This week's cereal is: Kashi's Heart to Heart Honey Toasted Cereal!!

I am skeptical of anything that is good for you, because it will most likely taste like crap. This cereal was chosen for review because my boyfriend does not like any good cereals and came home with this one from the yuppie market next door. Now, I am a very open-minded cereal consumer, but this cereal sucks.

It looks like rabbit food. It has the same grainy, healthy shade of brown. It is shaped like Cheerios but it is not Cheerios! The box shows little berries in there, breathing life into it, so this review might be better if I had some berries to throw in. But I don't believe you should have to add anything to make a cereal good. It should be enough all on its own. It's like when we were kids and my mom always bought Rice Krispies and made us eat them, so we just put a shitload of sugar on top until they were tolerable. This cereal also needs a shitload of sugar before it is tolerable.

This cereal claims to 1. help reduce cholesterol, 2. help support healthy arteries, and 3. help promote healthy blood pressure. I'm sorry, but my heart is not that fucked up. D+

This Isn't About Cereal, You Guys.

But I need to keep fresh.

I just wished this cat that used to hang around my friends' house, like, three years ago a happy birthday on facebook. "happie birthday chauncie," is what i wrote. how fucking embarrassing. Our (seven) mutual friends will see it and be like, whatthefuck it's Halloween is she really at home wishing that dead cat a happy birthday?

We don't know for sure that he's dead, we just guessed since he pretty much lived on the streets the entire time we knew him. We just gave him milk and food from time to time. We didn't let him in.

New Directions

It occurred to me recently that by most standards, this blog kinda sucks. It's not really about anything other than self-serving musings, and that is boring to people who are not me. I need a theme, a niche, probably even a gimmick if I ever want a book deal.

All the good blogs are about something. They chronicle somebody's interests, passions, or insights. I'll have a really hard time keeping to one topic, unless I keep multiple, single-topic blogs, which definitely isn't going to happen.

I know someone who wrote about staplers and got a whole bunch of free staplers, so my new direction is going to be writing about things that I like in hopes of getting that stuff for free.

First off: CEREAL! I think this is going to be a weekly thing. I am pretty passionate about cereal.

The cereal of this week is Apple Cinnamon Cheerios!

When I filtered the images by usage rights this one was the best. It has a crushed box, probably because that person was seeking refund for the Cheerios. I wouldn't have returned them because this is a primo cereal. It is tasty and good for you (though probably not in massive quantities), and it can be eaten any time. They are also on sale! Two for $5 at the Fred Meyer on Burnside. What a steal!

There are 120 calories in a single serving of ACC, and only 1.5 grams of fat!* This cereal is also a very enjoyable dry snack, and I don't just mean for children under 4. On the back there is a fun apple maze. Unfortunately, ACC does not come with any sort of surprise toy, which is always a bonus. Because of this, and because it also kinda cuts the roof of your mouth, I give Apple Cinnamon Cheerios a B-.

Stay tuned for next week's cereal review!

*Does not include milk. Serving size 3/4 cup.

Turn Misconception Into Contraception

On the side of MAX there's a girl holding a sign that says, "I'll gain a bunch of weight." Next to her there's a guy holding one that says, "She'll be an emotional roller coaster."

What misconception? Both of these things are true.

For Kerensa, Who Is Coming to Visit Today

To the honeys gettin' money playin' niggas like dummies

Is this feminism? I think it is.

'Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be havin' my baby, baby.

I don't think this is feminism, though. Biggie is oppressing women. We don't want to have his babies.

K tells me the feminists she runs with are all elitist bitches who don't watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Or Orange County, or Atlanta, and not even New York which is obviously the best one.

How do these women expect to relate to other women on any sort of "real" level if they can't understand the dominant culture? Like it or not, the housewives tell us something about who we are as a people. Understanding why we like Rock of Love (there are a million reasons) is just as important as understanding how gender is socially constructed.

So suck on this you uppity feminist bitches:

And while we're at it, you can suck on this, too:

Now THAT'S juicy delicious! Oh, hell! One more!

Those are claws. You crazy dyke bitches better not mess.

Bad Mommy

Everyone always talks about how great babies are. They have a baby and then they say things like, "I'm just in awe of the beauty that new life brings," or, "When little Huron smiles up at me I get the chills. It just blows my mind."

Kima is not impressed. Bad mommy!

Lyla and I stole the idea of sewing reusable snack bags for babies and then selling them for profit. A little plastic-lined sack for Willowbrook's all-natural cheese bunnies. A larger model for Cascade's hummus and pita. We'd jack up the prices and use the funds to buy weed and beer. But then Lyla was like, "I dunno, dude. That's pretty gay."

all in the game, yo.

Last night I had a dream that I was going after a known drug dealer. Me and the rest of the detail posted up outside the dude's house in the projects, waited for him to show himself.

On the count of three we busted in through the doors. "Hands up! Hands up!" People were running around and screaming, and I forgot what we were supposed to be doing there. I just started throwing things around, looking under beds and tables for the perp. No dice.

Then I found him on the bedroom balcony. "He's in here!" I shouted, but he pulled a gun on me and I got scared and put my hands up. He walked slowly toward me, gun in hand the whole time, and I just cowered and cried in the corner. "Yeah, that's right!" he said. "Stay down!" He got away, and my backup never showed.

I am bad police.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Facebook is getting kind of lame. Like, slow, or something. Stale. Maybe it is outdoing itself. Maybe it's advanced to its fullest possible potential, and then some.

Plus, I don't seem to be getting as many notifications, which i think may be affecting my self-esteem. (previous post = evidence?) I realize that this has probably has nothing to do with the application itself, but could be possibly contributing to my feelings of subtle disdain.

gloomies

"You need to get out!" Bryan says. "You are spending too much time in bed, and also indoors."

"I'm not letting you have a rest cure!" he says.

I tell him that I am homesick. That I am tired of being so poor. I hate being poor. He is understanding, and he says, "Well, you better keep busy. It's about to get real rainy."

Yeah, yeah. Just turn up the Weezy.

Grade A

Here is a picture of Lady Gaga wearing raw meat.

I Want To Burn Down Don Draper's House

I mean, his cavernous bachelor pad. Because he doesn't have a house.

Spoiler alert.

I get so mad when he is mean to Peggy. So mad! She is the talent around there. The lone shining star in a company full of slobbering baboons.

Tonight she spent her birthday dealing with two drunk old perverts. Then Don took her to the fucking Waffle House for dinner. She wasn't really all that upset about losing her man to her mother though. With good reason. That guy's a pussy.

Pegs does a much better job dealing with those pigs than I would. She is much better at playing their game. Like when she and this fucking guy had to work all night in the hotel room, and he told her she should feel bad about her body and she took her clothes off. I would have started throwing my fists at him in a blind rage. She did make fun of his teeny peen, though.

We got to see DD cry tonight, which was cool. I'm surprised he didn't short circuit. I did enjoy that little minute of tenderness at the end there, when he and Pegs shared a moment over the new Samsonite sketch. He'll be back to his old robot ways next week, no doubt.

Argh I hate him!

Fucking Square One

It's a play on words.

I mean, God! I just feel so alive in the mornings! Like a newborn puppy before its eyes open to the world, squirming along, finding the coffee on instinct alone.

I keep wanting to post this in my "About Me" on facebook:

"Can't see you lil' niggas / The money in the way"

but I don't think I can. I mean, I don't think anyone will get it, is all. It's an excerpt from one my all-time favorite rap tunes "Stuntin' Like My Daddy" by Birdman & Lil' Wayne.

Get me out of here.

Does Anyone Have An Ice Pack?

I am thinking about people that I love. I wish I could talk to them all at once, get them all in one room for one night and bask in the glow. Roll around in the glitter.

Bryan's chapbook got this really great review. Please read it. He is very talented.

Last night I learned that the proper medical term for snorting things is insufflation. But there are religious connotations to it, too, I guess.

I am coping. I am eating all the ice cream and getting out of bed.

Yes, I would like to see the desert menu, and no, I cannot spare any change. Leave me be, please. Just turn the game on and leave me alone.

Is anyone reading this? Or is it just like last time?

Making Sauce

No, I am not making sauce. I am pouring it over noodles, because that is the only thing I know how to do with sauce.

3:23 pm is an interesting lunch hour.

I am staying positive and feeling great. Right? Is that what I said I'd do? I'm doing it, I swear.

I let my boyfriend read that story that I wrote in college about the guy jerking off in the Wendy's bathroom because that's the only story I'm comfortable sharing with other people.

The noodles are probably soft enough now.

Ladies & Gents, I Now Have A Twitter Account.

I'm getting used to it. I am, admittedly, starting to like it.

I am still trying to figure out all the lingo. I get confused by all the @s and #s and RTs and stuff. Also, many of my favorite celebrities cannot spell, and this is hard for me to take. I would like to approach many of them about doing some editing work for them. I would do it for cheap. In the case of the Kardashians, I would do it for free if they would adopt me as one of their own.

Of course, eventually the @s and #s and RTs will feel just as comfortable and natural to me as e-mail, further evidence that the internet is molding our brains.

The real kicker has been figuring out what belongs on facebook, and what should be chirped. I have a lot to say, people! I need multiple media outlets. Hear me! Tweet tweet, motherfuckers!

In other news, I am shifting my attitude. I will no longer feel sad and depressed about not having a job. I will feel relaxed. I will write a lot and clean the apartment until every last sign of dirt is abolished. (Inside, anyway. Can't get rid of the neighbors.) I will do yoga and cook meals and read for leisure.

I will also work on some freelance work that's been thrown my way, because I do have that.

It's Just More Shame

Dear Ms. Knecht:

Thank you for taking the time to interview for the position of Legal Assistant at our law offices. While we were impressed with your qualifications, regretfully, after careful consideration we have decided to pursue other options for this position at this time.

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Bob Loblaw

Attorney at Law

Brainstorm

Things I could do to make money, some of which I may or may not be seriously considering:

1. Sell drugs. I'll start with weed and work my way up until I have achieved drug lord status, much like The Godmother you see in this clip.

2. Sell my possessions to stores that will buy them, or to other poor people who need things like tv stands, end tables, and found art.

3. Keep applying for jobs and waiting for them to call me.

4. Strip.

5. Sell plasma.

6. Donate my eggs to a needy couple, preferably a nice gay couple with good hygiene and a tasteful eye for home decor.

7. Monetize this blog.

None of these sound very good to me. Although you can get quite a sum for eggs, I hear. Like, 10 grand.

Goin' coastal

Went to the coast with my peeps. Great times.

As soon as I got back I resumed the major money freak out I've been on. I don't have any, and I don't have any way of getting any in the near future, so I spend most of my free time crying about it.

I don't even go to craigslist anymore, as it's clear to me that doing so is a total waste of time. But today I'm feeling extra desperate, and so I went to poke around. I responded to small business consultant that's hiring writers and editors. Their ad was all cutesy, wanting 200-500 words about myself instead of a resume. I wrote an equally cutesy response, cracking jokes and feigning optimism about a writing job. Then after I read it I was all like, "Bitch, get real," but I sent it to them anyway.

Remember me?

I still don't have a job. Getting one would cut into my rigid routine of smoking weed and cutting out pictures.

I have a boyfriend and he is moving in soon.

I do not want to beat your high IQ score on facebook.

It's 90 degrees out here and I want to melt into a puddle of fierce, expertly harnessed cougar power.

Most everything makes me roll my eyes.

I'll probably get a twitter account soon. (see above)

That is all.