Ladies & Gents, I Now Have A Twitter Account.

I'm getting used to it. I am, admittedly, starting to like it.

I am still trying to figure out all the lingo. I get confused by all the @s and #s and RTs and stuff. Also, many of my favorite celebrities cannot spell, and this is hard for me to take. I would like to approach many of them about doing some editing work for them. I would do it for cheap. In the case of the Kardashians, I would do it for free if they would adopt me as one of their own.

Of course, eventually the @s and #s and RTs will feel just as comfortable and natural to me as e-mail, further evidence that the internet is molding our brains.

The real kicker has been figuring out what belongs on facebook, and what should be chirped. I have a lot to say, people! I need multiple media outlets. Hear me! Tweet tweet, motherfuckers!

In other news, I am shifting my attitude. I will no longer feel sad and depressed about not having a job. I will feel relaxed. I will write a lot and clean the apartment until every last sign of dirt is abolished. (Inside, anyway. Can't get rid of the neighbors.) I will do yoga and cook meals and read for leisure.

I will also work on some freelance work that's been thrown my way, because I do have that.

It's Just More Shame

Dear Ms. Knecht:

Thank you for taking the time to interview for the position of Legal Assistant at our law offices. While we were impressed with your qualifications, regretfully, after careful consideration we have decided to pursue other options for this position at this time.

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Bob Loblaw

Attorney at Law

Brainstorm

Things I could do to make money, some of which I may or may not be seriously considering:

1. Sell drugs. I'll start with weed and work my way up until I have achieved drug lord status, much like The Godmother you see in this clip.

2. Sell my possessions to stores that will buy them, or to other poor people who need things like tv stands, end tables, and found art.

3. Keep applying for jobs and waiting for them to call me.

4. Strip.

5. Sell plasma.

6. Donate my eggs to a needy couple, preferably a nice gay couple with good hygiene and a tasteful eye for home decor.

7. Monetize this blog.

None of these sound very good to me. Although you can get quite a sum for eggs, I hear. Like, 10 grand.

Goin' coastal

Went to the coast with my peeps. Great times.

As soon as I got back I resumed the major money freak out I've been on. I don't have any, and I don't have any way of getting any in the near future, so I spend most of my free time crying about it.

I don't even go to craigslist anymore, as it's clear to me that doing so is a total waste of time. But today I'm feeling extra desperate, and so I went to poke around. I responded to small business consultant that's hiring writers and editors. Their ad was all cutesy, wanting 200-500 words about myself instead of a resume. I wrote an equally cutesy response, cracking jokes and feigning optimism about a writing job. Then after I read it I was all like, "Bitch, get real," but I sent it to them anyway.